102 -Mistress or Motorcycle

50 miles from Sturgis and no parking left!

      One Saturday morning in March I rolled over and explained to my wife that the mid fifties itch was bothering me and would it be okay if I got a mistress.

“I don’t think so!” was her short reply so I countered with,

“Well how do you feel about a new motorcycle then?”

I would like to think it was the savvy negotiating skills I possessed that allowed to then close the deal and get a new bike.

The truth is she was already ahead of me.  She knew I could probably still handle a motorcycle.  She suggested that I look into buying Ditches demo, which I had obviously talked so fondly of.  The wife has always encouraged me to do things I enjoy doing and she knew that I would really enjoy the 2,200 kilometers I put on every month going from Kelowna to Grande Prairie, if I had a good ride.

The old Yamaha never let me down but given the miles of nothing the thought sometimes bothered me then one day I came upon a Harley driver who had broken down by the side of the road.  I stopped and asked, “Do you need any help?”

“Yeah, do you have a wrench?”

“Sure, what size do you need?  I said opening my saddle bag.

“A big one,” he replied, “I want to use it as a hammer and beat the … out of this bike.”

I could see myself in the predicament with the only mechanical skill being the ability to beat the living crap out of the bike if it did fail.

I liked the thought of having a reliable ride and soon I was on the new Boulevard.

One Sunday, while in Kelowna, I stopped at the Yamaha dealer looking for a part and ended up becoming a charter member in a new Star Touring Chapter.  I told everyone they let a Suzuki in to the club so that there was one reliable bike to go for parts but then they reminded me that it was I who was looking for parts the day I joined.

The group has some incredible members and we have enjoyed their company on a number of great rides and a couple of barbeques. The wife also found some new friends in the group and has taken a real interest in riding.

Recently an infected tooth forced us to interrupt the trip in order to see a dentist. 

She walked into the Dentist’s office in a small town and when the dentist came to the front counter said, “I want a tooth pulled and I don’t want to waste any time with pain killers because we’re in a big hurry,”

The dentist started to say something but she just cut him off and said, “Look just pull the tooth as quick as possible and we’ll be on our way.”

The dentist just started at her with his mouth half open for a moment then said, “Wow, you are one tough woman. Which tooth is it?” 

She turned to me and said, “Show him your tooth, dear.”

Now when we get together with friends the talk turns to motorcycles and the wife is becoming more educated in biking. At one party one of the woman bikers said, “I’d like to get a set of new saddlebags for my husband.”

The wife said, “I think that would be a good trade.”

Finally it was time to see how she would handle a longer ride so we set out for Calgary.

After the 700 kilometer trip she told me that she might feel more comfortable on her own bike and the shopping began.  Although she had a dirt bike twenty years ago she let her license lapse and said she felt she should start out with something small, get her license and then see how she feels in traffic.  With-in days, she was riding an older Honda 250 Elite scooter with ease.

I am feeling so lucky to a great wife as well as a new biking partner that I thought I should share my secrets with you so perhaps you can use my negotiating lesson.

By using the Layton mistress or motorcycle negotiating system you too will soon find yourself with a new bike.  If you already have a bike then by using my method of taking her on an eight hour trip will result in her falling in love with biking and wanting one of her own. 

Warning: results may vary from wife to wife and I cannot accept liability if neither techniques works as well for you as it did for me.  Occasionally there may be a risk of some side effects such as finding extra riding time following the divorce, but you no longer have enough money to own a bike or buy gas. 

Other effects may include prolonged periods of silence, find you shiver cold and alone on the couch or feel subjected to intense conversations in which you do not get a chance to speak.

These risks pale in comparison to the possibility of experiencing the sheer joy of riding in the wind with  the best possible riding partner, your wife.

In the mean time keep the shiny side up.


6 thoughts on “102 -Mistress or Motorcycle

  1. I am still amazed it worked on the wife … could it be she let me think I won because she was building points bigger negotiations? I would ask her but in order to miss a surprise party for her 50th birthday she and a girl friend are bicycling norther Spain… wait a minute there wasn’t even negations on that! I may have been duped. Let me know how it works for you.


  2. You may recall when we met in La Grande… you helped me pour my wife onto the back of my Road King so we could head back home to Montana… That trip (among numerous others) has extremely dampened my wife’s enthusiasm about the prospects of being an Iron Maiden! I’m not sure if I ever told you how the ride that night ended up… You may recall that I was a little embarassed and a lot pissed! Well… I had originally planned on riding for a couple of hours until dark. Instead, I just kept the tires rolling until my wife’s shivering started to distract me! Yeah… she’s not too excited about riding anymore…


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