Sept 30 2008 Understanding American Politics


Who are you calling Jackass?

Explaining the American Political system is like competing as a guest on, Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader.  We all like to think it should be easy, but somehow questions are tricky.

America originally began as bands of hunters and gathers that lived off the game and plants of the land or the abundant fish and lobster on the coast.  They didn’t have government, taxes or lawyers, the men only worked when they had to replenish the food while the women looked after the children and did all the menial chores.  As you have do doubt heard before, when the white men came they thought they could improve on that system so rather than join the people, they decided to conquered and change them, thus developing the American way of life, seek, conquer and destroy.

In the centuries since America has had the smartest people, became the richest nation and invented everything worthwhile, or at least that is according to the history taught throughout the world by the brightest minds in Hollywood.  If Americans didn’t invent it, then it couldn’t be that important, with the exception of beer, which of course they perfected to the point of having it taste like the warm excretion of the animals they no longer depend on for food, but with a slightly higher alcohol content.  The world’s other most important invention, the wheel, was also not invented by Americans but Henry Ford did come up with an idea of how to travel in more comfort while pursuing the American dream of hunting, while drinking beer without having to get up, thus inventing the Ford F150.

Now that man could hunt more effectively and there is nothing more effective than a fifty caliber machine gun to bring down a deer, the Americans took the old tradition of cooking over an open fire and changed it to a Bar-B-Q, which is the American way of cooking over an open fire, while drinking beer.  The men that had the skills to hunt for days, kill, clean and bring the animals home soon formed the Conservative party.  The name Conservative did not sound like the tough men who founded it so they called it the Republican party.  Meanwhile the men who had no hunting and trapping skills would just hang around the village turning famine sounding jobs like hairdresser, into more masculine and smarter sounding names like stylists, for which they would charge twice as much while waiting to show up uninvited for the bar-b-q. 

These men had time to form focus groups and think so they were able to add or prefect a number of new American items and theories.  These included teaching dogs to jump through hoops, founding support groups for everything from hang nails to loss of hair and the formation of a fair system of government.  These men also invented a voting system as a way to decide how to divide the beer and meat the conservatives had as their major achievement.  For times when they lost the vote, they also invented what they call an electoral collage, which can overturn any vote to ensure they still win.

Later rather than just standing around, complaining about the problems in the country, they took their wigs and gowns from the solons to the saloons where they invented the legal system.  To make it more appealing to the conservatives they changed the system of being admitted to the solon to being admitted to the bar and some began calling themselves lawyers. 

To be separate from the Republicans and to ensure that they got at least their fair share of everything, even though they didn’t actually earn it, they formed the Liberal party. Feeling that name sounded a little gay and to seem more thoughtful they called themselves Democrats. Some Republicans still call them girly men, but only the strongest of them actually says it out loud.

The two groups began to compete for leading the country and as many of the people still couldn’t read and enjoyed cartoons best, each developed their own cartoon symbolizing what they stood for.  The Republicans came up with the largest, most powerful animal on earth as its symbol, the elephant.  The Liberals used the jackass.

The Liberal fair treatment theory of getting at least a fair share without having to do anything led to them inventing new rules in sport as well.  The designated hitting rule was devised so pitchers didn’t have to run, the fair catch rule so some receivers didn’t have to get hit and figure skating for those that couldn’t play hockey and wanted to keep their full smiles in tact.

Liberals consume imported beer, wine or Bottled water.  They like to eat fish raw and prefer not to eat beef at all but if they must they over cook it.  They like anything with a French or some other exotic name except French fries, which they now call, freedom fries in order to strike back at the French for not joining them in Afghanistan.  This was one of their most brazen moves against a foreign country.

The Liberals tend to dominate careers like attorneys, newspaper reporters, social workers, government bureaucrats, and people in transition.

The Conservatives drink beer, eat their beef rare, hunt for big game, drive four by four trucks, and tend to work as cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firefighters, police officers, doctors, athletes, or any other productive career.  They tend to found and run companies that hire other conservatives to work while the regulators who feel these free enterprisers are not sharing equally tend to be liberals.

It should be noted that Canadians are basically Americans without handguns, except they developed an even more liberal party for those that also want a fair share without even pretending to want o work.  This party can then hold the balance of power playing off against the two large parties so it gets whatever they want. 

Canadians also still make stronger better tasting beer, never got around to disguising their agenda’s by calling themselves anything but Conservatives and Liberals  and kept the third party happy by developing a universal medical system. Canadian’s really invented football, basketball and baseball but don’t want to upset their neighbors so they don’t mention it.  They still play football with only three downs but watch with interest as the Americans try to play the same game with one extra try and the fair catch rule both designed to slow the game.

Eastern Canadians tend to come from either England or France.  The west is made up of American Conservative adventurers who settled there in the 1800’s and early 1900’s to farm, ranch or pan for gold as well as a few American Liberals who show up when America is at war.

Liberals tend to be offended easily and will find some way to be so by this lesson, while conservatives are too busy to care and, will just laugh then get on with their day. 

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